Gold Standard

The Good:

Mary Gold - Sex Hormone'd Druggie

Mary Gold is the latest signee to Jet Life, Curren$y's record label. Curren$y is a damn good rapper and probably has one of the best musical palates of any stoner rapper in the game right now. And the signing of Gold just proves this opinion even more.

One would assume Gold would be yet another laid-back smoker rapping over chill jazz-inspired beats. And while this is half-true, she takes stoner rap to a whole new level.

Curren$y said of his signing, Spitta said, "I can't describe Mary Gold to you, I have to show you Mary Gold." And if the Jet Life founder says so, I should probably do the same thing. Here's her music video for "Prayer," featuring Curren$y himself. Now, this is a rap blog. The idea itself is NSFW (not suited for work), but this puts a whole new meaning to that. Just a heads up.

Did you hear that? It's so hypnotic and tempting. I'm under her spell. And her voice, holy shit. She's like Lily Allen meets Lil Kim. It's too bad the commenters on "Prayer" don't appreciate the beauty of it all. Many people are going to see this as porn, but this is just a talented rapper expressing herself. "Praise the Lord for what you're gonna receive," she says about her body. Her body and, more importantly, her music are gifts that you should be thankful for.

"I like the way you twerk, girl."

And it doesn't stop at "Prayer." "Miley Cyrus" links her a little closer to Curren$y's style, with the stand-up bass and hi-hats commonly heard in jazz. But she quickly distances herself again. Her raspy voice crawls over the drum-heavy beat as she sings about Miley Cyrus and getting "fucked up tonight." Yes, her lyrics are very much like those of other stoner rappers, but the way they're laid out is completely unique to her.

And "Grand Theft" features some deep, deep horns and some heavily synthesized vocals to make the beat one of the biggest stand outs from Sex Hormone'd Druggie as her singsong gently leads the listener down the rabbit hole she's carved out.

It's clear that Mary Gold is something special. She brings just the right amount of druggie influences to pair with her distinct style to make her both approachable and listenable. Kudos to Curren$y for signing her. Even more kudos to Mary Gold for creating something so special.

The Bad:

Reem Riches - Road to Riches

I love how much I hate this. Like this is fantastic. Everything from the DJ's water mark (a girl shouting "Charismaaaa!") to the fact that he sounds like he's still in puberty. This is just beautiful. 

Reem Riches sounds like most rappers out right now, but higher-pitched and less grounded. You ask, "How does one sound less grounded than rappers spending money left and right?" Well, when you rap lines like "I just smoked a hundred blunts / Bout to smoke a hundred sluts," it's hard to sound like you even remotely understand how the world works.

Riches sounds like what a disapproving suburban mom thinks all rap sounds like. He raps about money, drugs and sex and his beats are just too loud. 

That song about a hundred blunts is called, you guessed it, "100." The beat is alright, but it's not used properly. It's just there to make Riches sound tough and intimidating. And I don't even get the lyrics. Why is he so obsessed with the number 100? On the bright side, "I don't give a hundred fucks" is my new catch phrase.

DJ Crikk-It dropping a beat

And what the hell is he doing on "Good Feeling?" No, I'm not talking about his excessive use of Auto-Tune, which is really annoying. Nor am I talking about lyrics like "Are you wit it? / Are you wit it? / I'ma hit it / I'ma hit it," which are incredibly dumb. I'm talking about this ridiculously infuriating high-pitched sample that is penetrating my ear drums the entire song! What is that? A cricket? Sleigh bells? Lucifer's mating call? Stop it! I beg of you!

Now let's play a fun game of "Are These Really Song Titles?" First is "Hoes Got Hoes." If you guessed yes, you'd be super correct! Here's a tricky one: "Fuckshit." What's that? Yes? Oh my good golly gosh you are good at this! Now here's a stumper: "Diamonds & Hoes." You're going to say "no" on this one? Yes, I know, this is just too stupid to be true. But it is! These are all Reem Riches' songs!

I might actually download this mixtape just because it's almost too ign'ant to not love. I probably won't, but I totally could.

The Re-dic-yu-lus:

Capo - G.L.O.N.L.

OMG! I almost dropped Reem Riches down a level, but I'm so glad I didn't because now I get to listen to this.

Capo is part of GBE, a.k.a. Cheif Keef's music group. So this guy is basically Chief Keef without the fame. Meaning, this mixtape is so, so bad.

Sure, I'm a little upset that this has more views on datpiff than Mary Gold's mixtape, but I can't be that mad when this mixtape is this horrible.

I honestly can't tell the difference between Capo and Chief Keef. Neither of them are comprehensible. They sound just about the same. And all of the beats are the essence of ratchet.

G.L.O.N.L. opens with "G.L.O.N.L. Part 2" and it features Sosa himself. A shit ton of Auto-Tune is applied to Capo...I think. And it makes him even more muddled than before. I mostly can just hear them shout the title over again. Other than that, it's complete mush.

Why would anyone think these are shoes?

I feel like Capo can't even understand himself, because on the third track, he tries saying "not yours," but
instead titles the song "Nachos." Which brings a whole new sense of humor to the song. Suddenly it sounds like he's saying, "You acting like they're your shoes / But I know they're nachos."

Or how about "Thotty Party?" Even I know he's shouting/rapping "Let's start a party." But apparently in the editing room, it sounded like "Let's thotty party." What even is a thotty party and why have I never been invited to one?

Now, we joke about how hard it is to understand Capo. But I swear "Hate Me," the second song to feature the Chief, Capo tries his best to create a good chorus. But holy crap, does he fail. I'm going to type exactly what I think I hear, word for word, no exaggeration.

"I know why you niggas hate me / I seen them bitchesbabbityboobabebop hate me."

Can I go back in time and make this my senior quote? Kthx.

I don't understand Capo, but what I really can't understand is why anyone would possibly like this. Why in the world is this more popular than Mary Gold? Why does this even exist? Why am I even questioning this when I know there's nothing I can do to prevent the GBE world takeover? For now, I hate this. But in 15 years when "I Hate Being Sober" is the world's anthem, I'll love this and our new overlords.

-X-Prime, dropping the mic for now
@XavierVeccia